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| Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper. |
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| Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean. |
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| Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match. |
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| Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow. |
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| The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris. |
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| Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Iinternet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking. |
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| It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face. |
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| Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy. |
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| Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time. |
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| When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult. |
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| Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard. |
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| 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year. |
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| Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time. |
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| All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face. |
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| If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around. |
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| July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not. |
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| Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth. |
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| In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease" |
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| Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost. |
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| If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch. |
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| In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris. |
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| Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist. |
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| When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. |
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| Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan. |
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| Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. |
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| Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face. |
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| Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie". |
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| There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris. |
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| President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time. |
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| Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing. |
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| Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning. |
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| Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car. |
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| Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol. |
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| Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine. |
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| The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence. |
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| Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out. |
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| A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time. |
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| Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. |
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| Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets. |
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| Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on. |
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| Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die. |
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| Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. |
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| There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. |
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| A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. |
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| Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. |
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| In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time. |
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| Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. |
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| Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets. |
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| For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest. |
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| In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character. |
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